While grocery shopping, I observed an exchange between two sisters who spoke in Spanish. The younger sister, about four or five years of age, sat in the cart, while the older sister, about seven or eight years of age, tended to the cart as their mother shopped across the aisle. Let’s eavesdrop:
Younger Sister: “You’re bad and mean.”
Older Sister: “And you’re a good little sister.”
Younger Sister: “You’re ugly.
Older Sister: “You’re the most beautiful little sister in the world.”
The older sister then skipped across the aisle to meet her mom . . .
How might you have handled a comparable situation where you were name-called, say, by a stranger or close family member?
This is where our social-emotional IQ matters; it entails “our capacity to: 1) understand and manage our feelings; 2) relate well to others; 3) deal well with conflict and other life challenges; 4) make good decisions; and 5) take responsibility for improving our communities…” (Source: *Morningside Center for Teaching Social Responsibility)
Based on this paradigm (and limited sample), it seems the older sister’s capacity is already fairly developed, especially her ability to manage her own feelings. What must she have been feeling and thinking as her younger sister name-called her “mean” and “ugly”? Ouch. Those words can sting, mightily. Moreover, what views does she already hold about herself that allowed her to seemingly brush off her sister’s words meant to cut?
In life coaching, one of the power tools we offer clients to reframe disempowering perspectives is the Responding vs. Reacting tool. At any given point in time, whether in our personal or professional lives, we are either responding or reacting to the people, situations, and events around us.
REACTING . . .
- automatic, default impulse
- triggered feelings, past-based
- surrender our power to bring about understanding, peace, love, or healing—higher vibrations
RESPONDING . . .
- conscious awareness and intentions for our behavior
- power to control our thoughts and behaviors
- creates opportunities for connection
How often have we heard about or even observed seemingly benign situations escalate drastically—and sometimes with deadly results—because of our failure to choose consciously? Social media and so-called reality TV shows are prime examples of this dynamic at play in our society. Yet, here was a little girl demonstrating this capacity with such poise and skill. We can learn a great deal from the older sister’s maturity and intentional choices.
Far too many of us become triggered when we are name-called. Our socialized default behavior is to immediately retaliate by name-calling right back or inflicting harm on the person who we believe has hurt us.
But, WHAT IF we chose to impersonalize others’ limiting or negative views of us? This is not to suggest that their words won’t sting; instead, we would recognize their behavior as projection borne out of their worldview and therefore, reject their views as being grossly misaligned with we who believe ourselves to be. In other words, if we possess a healthy self-concept, what others say and think about us is inconsequential.
WHAT IF we operated from the understanding that wounded people tend to lash out, randomly hurting others and themselves in the process? What a wounded soul needs is light, not more darkness. (By no means am I suggesting that you subject yourself to and accept others’ hateful, offensive words and language. I’m merely offering often unexplored perspectives that could inform how you respond in such instances.)
Ultimately, it is important to recognize that whether responding or reacting, we are making a choice for which we are responsible; one choice is borne out of consciousness and has a higher vibrational frequency, while the other is an automatic, triggered impulse that keeps us rooted in the past and subject to provocation. Light or darkness. We make our path, moment by moment, by the choices we make.
Like the older sister who taught her sibling a powerful lesson in love, I, too, am reaching for the light. What path will you choose?
At Your Service,
About Glenda M. Francis
Glenda M. Francis is the founder of Audacious Inner Works Institute, a personal development and capacity building service organization. She is an ICF credentialed life coach specializing in confidence building and women’s wellness and power.
Contact:
Contact us for our life coaching and personal development services.